I’ve recently learned there are people out there who don’t mind being bad at things. They see the struggle as an opportunity to learn and the challenge as evidence that there is more to learn. And here’s the part that really stuns me: they don’t feel bad about themselves for sucking. These hardy souls are blessed, as I have learned thanks to Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Carol S. Dweck, with what’s call a growth mindset.

Although no one is typically all one or the other, I tend to be more of the fixed mindset type. To be honest, I’m not a fan of the label, but the suit definitely fits. I’ve spent pretty much all of my life thinking that intelligence, artistic ability, and talent on the athletic field are things you either have or don’t have, not things that can be developed through hard work. I mean, sure, you gotta study and do your craft and go to practice, but I’ve always taken it for granted that there had to be underlying smarts, creativity, or athleticism on which to build. I never considered the idea of starting with an average IQ, an unsteady hand, or average hand-eye coordination and making something exceptional from it. That’s pretty much the textbook definition of a fixed mindset.

As Dweck makes abundantly clear, however, all of that is possible with a growth mindset. Those who have this outlook are in a mode of constant learning and typically show much greater perseverance in the face of obstacles than those with a fixed mindset. Those with a fixed mindset tend to give up in the face of obstacles because they live their life trying to prove themselves. Anything they can’t do well from the start is seen as something they simply weren’t born with the ability to do so why even bother? And to do something poorly where others can see your deficiencies, I’m going to go ahead and speak for all of those with a fixed mindset and say, “NO THANK YOU.”

But the thing is, I’m convinced of the importance of developing a growth mindset. I already have one when it comes to personal development. I’m talking “soft skills,” as they say. I’ve seen the changes in my own life over the past few years as I’ve learned more and more about building relationships with others. I know my EQ is higher now than it was a few years ago. I’m living proof of what can happen when you put a lot of energy into changing how you interact with the world.

As an increasingly old dog who is looking ahead to a vibrant second half of my adulthood, I see continued growth – intellectually, physically, and spiritually – as the key to that vibrancy. Some people my age (and even younger) are focused on retirement and winding down. Not me, I’m just getting started, and one of the areas where I know I need to grow is to get better at being bad at things because that’s the only way I’m going to learn anything new.

So I decided to start taking dancing lessons while I was in Colombia. I started with 10 private bachata lessons and then switched to salsa after deciding I like salsa music better than bachata music. It had nothing to do with the fact that I was struggling with the bachata sensual intros, the moves you do at the beginning of the song before the characteristic bachata beat kicks in, right? Right??

In hindsight, probably not right. I started struggling, and I gave up. Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s what happened.

At the time, I had convinced myself I was just better suited to salsa. Oh, crap. There’s that fixed mindset again. I didn’t even do that on purpose. It just shows up.

Anyway…

I started learning salsa with a determination to combine both private and group lessons. The private lessons to advance quickly and the group lessons to get accustomed to dancing with other people and as a way to meet women without having to swipe left and right. After a couple privates to get the basics down, I confidently headed to my first group salsa class at Barcelona just off La Setenta in the Laureles Estadio neighborhood of Medellín.

Now, I probably should have figured this out on my own, but I was still accustomed to what I had seen in the touristy part of town I stayed in for my first trip to Medellín where all of the group classes were advertised in English. Since dance is a big part of Colombian culture and not just there for the tourists, I should have foreseen that this lesson in a locals part of town would be in Spanish.

My skills in that area are improving but not nearly good enough to have a clue what the instructors were saying. I was left watching the steps and trying to imitate, easier said than done while looking back over my shoulder because the sequence they were teaching involved turns.

I sucked. I couldn’t get it, and as I struggled my ability to learn got worse and worse. I sucked, and I was getting suckier.

As the leads (mostly men) and followers (all women) rotated from partner to partner when the instructors called for a change, there was a mismatch in numbers so two leads were always left to practice without a partner. I got it in my head that I was dancing alone way more often than I should have if I wasn’t getting skipped.

I think I was getting skipped, but I may have been imagining that. At the time, I was sure I was getting skipped, and I know for certain that several women expressed frustration at my ineptness when partnered with me. Rather than slowing down and letting me figure out what I needed to do, they just led themselves through their steps, leaving me behind. And since my Spanish skills leave me less than conversational, all I could do was mutter “Lo siento” (“I’m sorry”) at my incompetence.

My face flushed, blood pounding through my veins, a freight train of emotion rushing through my mind, I bolted. About face, down the steps, out into the street, shame in my heart. I never went back and only took private lessons for the rest of my trip.

I’d failed. I couldn’t deal with the embarrassment I felt, and once again I showed that I’m not yet good at being bad at things. Dweck talks a lot about the advantages of growth mindsets and the challenges those with a fixed mindset face in life, but she doesn’t really provide a formula for getting past a fixed mindset and developing a growth mindset. It’s not enough to know about the advantages of a growth mindset. Those of us with a fixed mindset have some major baggage to unpack, I think.

I’m pretty sure the key to that unpacking is therapy. Learning to accept myself wherever I’m at, not just when I’m at the top of the class, feels like too much to expect from simply reading a book about the good things that will happen for me if I can manage that feat.

I’ve got work to do, and I’m doing it. My next stop is Argentina. Learning tango should give me another chance to suck at something. Maybe I’ll be better at it next time.

As always, the links in this article are there for your benefit. I don’t get paid for them.